You Are What You Drive...
Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.
"What`s wrong?"
"I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard!"
The Best of Late Night...
George Bush is writing a book. No, that's not the joke. It's a serious book about the 12 toughest decisions he made as President. It's called 'The Ten Toughest Decisions I Made As President.' It's a good book. It's a pop-up book."--Jimmy Fallon
"A very happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody. Of course, St. Patrick's day is a little different this year. Nobody's got any green left." --Jay Leno
"Kim Jong-il has demanded that North Korea open its first pizzeria. It will have pizza just like the kind we have over here, but their Crazy Bread will actually be crazy."--Jimmy Fallon
"The Republicans are on board in this, too. Iowa Senator Charles Grassley told AIG executives -- this is what he actually said -- he said they should either quit or commit suicide. But I think that's plain wrong. I mean, why give them the option of quitting?" --Jay Leno
"Oh, a little health scare for former Vice President Dick Cheney's wife, Lynne Cheney. She was hospitalized briefly after fainting at home. She's apparently okay. But here's kind of a funny thing that happened. The paramedics arrived, and out of habit they started giving C.P.R. to Dick." --David Letterman
"Everyone had a nice time, but I guess things got ugly for a second when Ben Bernanke, the chairman of the Federal Reserve, mistook Dennis Kucinich for a leprechaun and tried to choke him for his gold." --Jimmy Kimmel
"And some sad news. Bristol Palin, Sarah Palin's daughter, has broken up with babydaddy Levi Johnston. I was stunned when I heard. I mean, really, if two kids without a decent education and no jobs and a baby can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?" --Jay Leno
"Here's a guy that won't go away, that Osama bin Laden. We got another audiotape from bin Laden. Have you heard it? He attacks moderate Arab leaders, he calls for renewed jihad, and he gives his NCAA picks." --David Letterman
"The Federal Reserve says Americans last year lost 11 trillion dollars in household wealth. You know, that is our own stupid, greedy fault for putting the money in banks. If we'd lost it in Las Vegas, they would have at least comped the room." -- Bill Maher
"In a speech Tuesday, President Obama outlined new education goals that proposed longer school days and longer school years. 'That's a brilliant idea,' said Katherine, the fifth grader nobody likes." -- Seth Meyers
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